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Derek Dexheimer
Video Guy

When asked about himself, Derek's mind collapsed in a post-modern void of doubt and self-recrimination. Thus is it demonstrated that he is a meek and self-effacing person whose occasional neurotic outbursts can be attributed to a youth spent in Burleson, Texas, and whose destructive tendencies have been directed into the socially beneficial pursuits of having a job, riding a bus to the job, nodding with vacant interest as his wife weighs the many color choices involved in repainting the kitchen, and storming through the empty wilderness, fists raised at the mocking sky, shouting lyrical shouts of who the heck am I, anyway? with friend and former President Ronald Reagan. Some interesting highlights of his life experience thus far:

  • In the eighth grade, won Best of Show for his division at the Fort Worth Regional Science Fair, for an experiment on artifical lighting and hydroponics. This was after receiving no acknowledgement from his school's science fair, because his experiment was "too hard to understand" and "too scientific". The event served as a keystone to his critical faculties, which have since been of great service in dealing with salesmen, university administrators, and Republicans.

  • Was fired as editor of his university paper, for work on a story detailing a questionable monetary gift the school made to a county-run arts organization. This was during a period of severe financial constraints, when tenured professors were being downsized. After several months he was "unfired" by the university president, who then left to become president of a fundamentalist Baptist college.

  • Attended schools in Fort Worth, Boston, Reno, and Victoria, BC, where he studied (and sometimes received degrees in) English, English composition, and television and video.

  • Worked widely in broadcasting and post-production in the Dallas area, where he learned to tolerate the Macintosh. He was also able to cognize an archetype for the deranged producer-director, to better avoid long flights or car trips with same.

    Some interesting tricks he can perform:

  • Drink an entire glass of milk without making a mess. (The glass afterwards is not a mess.)
  • Rebuild a transmission without hurting himself. (A mess is inevitable.)
  • Do his own laundry. (The transformation of a dirty mess into a clean one.)

    Some witty things he has said:

    "I'd say that the Internet has finally brought the promise of the CB radio to fruition."

    "Yes, I once read The Watchtower. And look at me now."

    "Most of these young, ballyhooed independent filmmakers seem to suffer from their delusions of grandeur being married to their incompetence. I've made terrible films too, but they're in a box in my closet underneath the Led Zeppelin records and a saxophone, where they belong."

    "If barefoot fourteen-year-old Indonesian girls can never earn enough to afford the Nikes they're sewing, I think my going barefoot and not buying Nikes I can easily afford just helps muddle the morality of the whole thing in a satisfying, Nineties kind of way."

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