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They're just a little bit crazy, but we love them anyway.

Hanz Doppler
Roving Reporter
Name: Hanz Doppler
Height: 6'3"
Weight: 240
Birth Date: August 11, 1957
Birthplace: Cut-n-Shoot, Texas
Ambitions: "To stomp the living humus out of all the wimps who are always whining about guns and breasts and guns and red meat and cigar smoke and nudity."
Turn-ons: Daisy from "The Dukes of Hazard," recoil, Bee-Stings, ear plugs, attack dogs, orderly ammo dumps, amateur porn, shotguns, sawed-off shotguns, pump shotguns, double-barreled shotguns, buckshot, topless bars, Jack Daniels', barbecue, bloody steaks and batter-fried anything, surveillance, Cuervo Gold, stock cars, dancing the horizontal Two-Step in a fully anchored double-wide.
Turn-offs: One piece bathing suits, feminazis, anything with "bureau of..." in the title, fashion models ("If I had livestock that scrawny I'd shoot it and feed it to the cat."), ricochets, friendly fire, Oprah, McDonald's ads with old people in them ("Big Macs are people !!!"), semi-automatic assault rifles, car phones and four cylinder engines, male sensitivity, Regis and Kathy Lee, those pale looking chicks with black hair and nails and hardware sticking out of their faces--and God knows what else, tofu, sprouts, bottled water, Latte, for-chrissakes-hiking boots with shorts, The Lifetime Channel, female armpit hair.
Quote: "No poor, dumb bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor, dumb bastard die for his country."
--Gen. George S. Patton
My Hero: The one and only: The Duke.
Ms. Right: Anna Nichole Smith

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