Is That a Harpoon in Your Blowhole, or Are You Packing Heat?
Jesus Christ on a pogo stick. The Hanz-Man is totally floored. You
can't beat America, eh, Comrade? I mean, what do all these yahoos mean
raising hell about gun control, worrying about their families and kids and
mass murder in the schools, when the Indians in Washington are hunting
whales? C'mon, get your priorities straight, people! What the hell? We
got serious issues, here.
I mean, what do you people have against Chuck Heston, anyway? He's
Moses, for cryin' out loud. Ben Hur, The Omega Man, Soylent Green is
people. How can you be against Chuck? He beat those fuckin' monkeys in
"Planet of the Apes," for chrissakes. How're you gonna do that without a
couple of burp guns, you know what I'm sayin'? Chuck knows a thing or two
about the importance of firepower. I mean, I don't know what all the fuss
is about, anyway. You airlift Chuck into a couple of hostage situations
with his own, hand-picked arsenal and an unlimited supply of ammunition,
he'll teach these Godless, Hitler-lovin', net-surfin' punks a thing or two
about merciless mayhem and cold-blooded assassination. There's your fuckin'
deterrent, Bubba. You little weasel bastards can just thank your personal
god that Duke Wayne is dead. Between the two of those grizzled old,
gun-totin' bastards there wouldn't be enough of you left to soak a dish rag.
And if you don't think Chuck can still do it, just check out the
National Rifle Association web sites at
Just think about it, Bubba. Chuck played Moses and Moses talked to God.
Personally. You think this man doesn't know what's best for America? I
mean, he did make that crack about giving teachers guns, and we all know the
last thing you want in a tense situation is a liberal pencil pusher with a
loaded weapon, but give the man a break. I mean, he's a hundred and ten
years old. He's gonna slip-up once in a while.
But these Makah Indians... Christ, it's a crime against humanity.
I mean, I got nothin against Indians, per se, but what is it they got? A
hundred and forty year old treaty? Who gives a damn. Fuck 'em. Statute of
limitations. Whatever. James Buchanan's dead. Who the fuck ever heard of
him, anyway? Hanz says, if the president's dead, the treaty's void. End of
story. Either lock those bastards up or torpedo their canoe, but leave the
godddamn whales alone. Jesus Christ, I just can't stand the thought of it.
But you gotta hand it to those protesters, huh? I mean, yeah, they
over slept a little and were nowhere to be seen when the Makah actually got
the whale, but how the hell are you gonna get out on the ocean without your
latte' and your granola? I mean, Geez, that's downright uncivilized, you
know what I'm sayin'? No wonder the Makah don't see the blasphemy of
killing a whale. Hanz'll bet you money they actually had animal flesh for
Hey but what d'ya expect? These people actually lived for centuries
without European technology. All that spooky Great Spirit mumbo-jumbo about
circles, and for twelve-thousand years it never even occurred to them to
invent the wheel. They wouldn't even know anything about mechanized death
or killing on an industrial scale if it wasn't for us. Think about it,
buffalo stretched from horizon to horizon, and they actually had to kill
them one at a time and use every bit of the carcass--all because they had no
idea about repeating, high-powered rifles that would have allowed them to
slaughter the smelly beasts by the dozens and take only the best parts. I
mean, is it just me, or would they be less cranky about this whole
stealing-the-continent mess if they'd had the tools to make their lives
easier to begin with?
Which brings me back to Chuck Heston. I mean, Hanz never cared much
for the NRA. I always thought they took all the fun out of it. I mean, if
there's one thing people with guns don't need, it's organization. And
rules. Christ, they even want to train kids how to use firearms. That way
lies madness, am I right? I mean, do you have any idea what happens when
you teach kids gun safety before actually allowing them to randomly pop off
a few hundred rounds? You got it, Bubba, no thinning of the herd. The next
thing you know, you got nerds who have experience using firearms, and
they've actually survived. I mean, it may sound cruel, but nature is often
cruel. The uncoordinated or otherwise handicapped kids--those not fit to
use a firearm--are killed or maimed in naturally occurring hunting or
shooting accidents. It's sad, but it's nature's way. Besides, most of them
don't actually die. And you can still write code or mix chemicals or do
fucking calculus or whatever with only three fingers or one eye or no feet.
I mean, with a little elbow grease, so to speak, even serious spinal chord
injuries can be overcome, you know what I'm sayin'? Hell, look at Stephen
Hawking. You gotta admit, these guys are actually sort of
over-achievers--at least in areas that have nothing whatsoever to do with
either physical coordination or women.
But in spite of its shortcomings, Hanz is actually submitting his
application to the NRA. I mean, if ever anyone needed Hanz's help, it's
Chuck and the boys. Besides, any group that can actually get clean-cut,
button-down Chuck Heston and long-haired, Motor City Madman Ted Nugent on
the same stage is okay by Hanz. Hey, maybe Hanz and Ted can jam, you know
what I'm sayin'? I mean, Ted's a pretty good little guitar player, but
baby, those 1972 licks are tired, Boss. I mean, honestly, Ted, I hope you
shoot better than you play, because I saw a fourteen year old kid in the
music store the other day, and he was playin' "Stranglehold" double-time,
with his teeth while piercing his own nipple. And he never missed a goddamn
But hey, who am I tellin' about guitar playin', huh? I mean, Ted
already made his fortune, am I wrong? And, you know, you gotta admire the
man, because he did it all without benefit of drugs. It takes a big man to
admit that. I mean, it'll probably keep him out of the Rock-N-Roll Hall of
Fame, but you gotta admire the fact that he's big enough to cop to it.
Umm, yeah, right. The NRA. So anyways, fellow shooters, Hanz is
submitting his application today. I hear there's no background check--at
least until those bastards in Congress get their hands on it--so Hanz should
be a shoe-in. I'll keep you posted.
Until next time, this is Hanz Doppler saying, Save the whales, and
Keep your powder dry!